Making fun of romance novel titles can be like shooting fish in a barrel. Some are over the top ridiculous, and others are bland. A Lady Never Tells errs on the side of bland and incomplete. I offer two more appropriate suggestions: 1. A Lady Never Tells a Man Yes when He Proposes to Her the First Time, Even Though It Is Clearly in Her Best Interest to Do So or 2. A Lady Never Tells Her Powerful, Well-connected, Aristocratic Cousin that She Has Seen her Crazy and Determined Stepfather Lurking About, Even Though Someone Keeps Trying to Kidnap her Sister and It Would Appear to be Relevant Information. In all fairness, this is not a terrible book, but it is slow paced and has more than a few cliches.

As Mary’s mother is on her deathbed, she tells her four daughters that their best chance for a better life is to flee Pennsylvania and return to her birthplace – England. Unbeknownst to the girls, they are actually granddaughters of an earl, a man who disinherited their mother when she ran off with a man of whom he did not approve. After their mother’s death, it is very evident that flight is the girls’ best option. Their step-father is an unprincipled man who has inherited the tavern they run, and wants to marry Rose, the prettiest of the daughters, to a slimy business partner. The girls arrive in England with very few possessions and little idea of what to do or how to find their grandfather. When a pickpocket lifts the satchel containing their documents, they nearly despair; but he is caught by a gentleman who introduces himself as Sir Royce. Royce establishes them in an inn and vows to see to their welfare. Mary tries to insist that they don’t need help, but it’s a good thing he doesn’t listen to her, because the girls are clearly clueless. When Mary attempts to contact her grandfather the next day, she doesn’t even get past the butler. She arrives back at the inn to find Royce checking up on them. The story comes out, and he discovers that he is connected with the family she is seeking. The girls’ grandfather is dead, and the current earl is connected with Royce by marriage (Royce’s mother married Oliver’s – the earl’s – father, and Oliver and Royce share a step-brother). The earl is quick to assume his family responsibility once he sees the papers the girls provide. He plans to ensconce them in his country home while they are taught the ways of the ton.

That may sound a little complicated, but the story becomes remarkably uncomplicated from here on out. Before Mary even leaves for the country home, it is very evident that there is something between her and Royce. Mary overhears when Royce makes a negative remark about her upbringing, but she is quick to forgive him and indulge in a few kisses. Meanwhile, the girls are the target of some strange mishaps. They are followed one day in London, and drugged on the way to the earl’s country estate. Someone apparently wants to kidnap Rose, the most beautiful of the sisters.

And that’s more or less it. Mary and Royce spar as he botches his proposals over and over. They have sex, but Mary refuses to marry him because apparently no romance novel heroine ever says yes the first time she’s asked anymore, so why should she be any different? The girls avert additional ham-handed kidnapping attempts. Eventually, everyone lives happily ever after.

I can’t really say that this book is terrible, or even that it’s completely tedious (although occasionally it’s a little dull). The writing is on the deliberate side, but it has some old-school charm as well. Something about it said “nineties” to me; most likely it was the vivid descriptions and lack of rapid-fire dialogue. I also liked some of the characters, though I preferred the secondary characters to the main couple. I couldn’t help being interested in the earl, and could likely be persuaded to read his book (with some encouragement or an enthusiastic recommendation).

Unfortunately, I really couldn’t drum up much interest in either Mary or Royce. Their was little drama to their story – other than the manufactured variety. It’s quite evident that they like each other early on, and Mary’s repeated refusal to marry him until he loves her is just cliched. Similarly, the kidnapping plot is too mundane to be compelling. The girls never truly seem to be in danger; indeed, their assailants fare worse in every encounter. Mary’s refusal to tell Royce or the earl that her step-father might be involved never makes sense, and is clearly just a plot device.

All in all, A Lady Never Tells is your average C read. It has some moments, but is not the type of book I’d go out of my way for. However, it is first in a series, and some of the other characters did sound more interesting. Here’s hoping some of the later books have a little more to offer.