I heartily disliked How to Seduce a Texan, and find it pretty difficult to imagine anyone else enjoying it either. It sounded like it could be good: Professional football player hides out on his family’s ranch in the aftermath of a break-up, reporter heroine goes undercover to get the scoop on his social life. It could have worked if the hero hadn’t been a complete asshole, or if the story had any kind of subtlety.

They call reporter Nikki Scott “the barracuda.” She’s known for the tenacious nature of her political reporting; she will get the story. For some reason that the author never bothers to explain, Nikki is assigned to get the real scoop on Cal Braxton’s break-up with his fiancee. Because political reporters are always being asked to cover the social scene. Anyway, Nikki/Barracuda makes a reservation at Cal’s family ranch and plans to get cozy with him. Unfortunately, the only room available is at the old family homestead, which is a) primitive and b) haunted. Nikki’s kind of a city girl, but she figures it can’t be that bad. She tells Cal she’ll take the room, and quickly invents a lie, telling him she’s writing a book on pioneer living.

Cal is initially sorry that Nikki has to be out in the old cabin, but then a friend tips him off and lets him know that Nikki is a reporter. Armed with this knowledge, Cal resolves to put Nikki through the paces. He tells her she’ll need to milk the cows, feed the roosters, relieve herself in the disgusting outhouse, and cook her meals in an ancient stove. Nikki takes it all in stride, because she is The Barracuda. Cal thinks Nikki is evil for lying to him, and that reporters are the scum of the earth. She deserves anything she has coming to her. Happily enough, his revulsion for her career will not get in the way of a sexual relationship with her, because a) Nikki is hot and b) Cal has no scruples whatsoever. Nikki is more principled, and as she becomes closer to Cal, she feels guilty for deceiving him. But she will still need to get the story, because as I mentioned earlier – and the author mentions repeatedly – she is the barracuda.

Meanwhile, there is a secondary romance between Cal’s brother Brian (who runs the ranch) and the new massage therapist he hires. Brian is just as charming as Cal, and his love interest is a wide-eyed new-agey innocent. Neither of them provides much in the way of diversion from the main trainwreck. Er, story. The plot plays out exactly as you would expect. There are no surprises whatsoever. It’s all a colossal waste of time.

The writing is heavy-handed, obvious, and choppy. I rarely complain about POV switches, as it’s not usually a hot button for me. But here they were handled poorly. Many times I believed myself to be in the heroine’s head, when suddenly perspective would switch to the hero, without pause or warning. Oh, and note to Ms. Kelley and the Brava editing department: The phrase is “I couldn’t care less”. When you say, “I could care less” it means that you care.

Poor writing looms large as a flaw, but my annoyance with that paled in comparison to my overwhelming disgust with the hero. Cal’s behavior from start to finish is completely unconscionable. Nikki may not be exactly warm and fuzzy (if you’re interested, and I wasn’t, you get considerable back story about her childhood with her ambitious but cold parents), but she at least has a conscience. She feels bad about betraying Cal once she becomes close with him, and she actually resolves not to write her story. Cal, on the other hand, wouldn’t know a scruple if it stood up in his soup. He sleeps with Nikki as if it’s no big deal, despising her all the while. Nikki takes every challenge he throws at her, and is by all appearances a good person. He still continues to treat her like crap until the bitter end. What a jerk.

A final word of caution: This book says paranormal on the spine, but I would not classify it that way. There is a very minor storyline about a ghost, but it is not a big part of the plot; I really feel that Brava misclassified it. Similarly, if you read this book because you like sports heroes, you’re in for (yet another) disappointment. Cal mentions football a handful of times, but spends more time reminiscing about his childhood and directing Nikki in her many chores. On the other hand, if you like unscrupulous jerk heroes, awkward head-hopping, and farm work, then How To Seduce a Texan could be the book for you.