I’d never read a book by Fern Michaels, so I was glad when I got the opportunity to review Plain Jane. Unfortunately, this book fails at practically every level – it has overly cute dogs, an unlikable heroine and a hero who defies description.

Twelve years after Connie Bryan, the popular Homecoming Queen at LSU, was gang-raped and committed suicide, psychiatrist Jane Lewis is still not over her own guilt. She was there that night, and tried to convince Connie to go to the authorities. Connie refused – and Jane still feels guilty. Now, Jane has a case that reminds her very much of that past tragedy. Jane enlists the help of fellow psychiatrist Michael Sorenson, the object of her crush when they were both in high school. As Michael and Jane fall in love, Jane tries to find out who really was behind the gang rape that resulted in Connie taking her own life. She hopes to bring closure to Connie’s family and herself. There are other issues in this book – ghosts in Jane’s house, and Jane’s feelings for her dead beauty queen mother who made Jane feel truly ugly.

There are good psychiatrists, bad psychiatrists – and then there’s Jane. Jane goes to spy at a patient’s home more than once, rolls her eyes at the callers to her “Talk to Me” radio show and gives them silly advice. Michael can’t understand Jane’s methods and continually reminds her that there is a line she shouldn’t cross, to no avail. In the most appalling example of ineptitude, Jane takes over for a doctor, Sharon Thomas, who had emergency surgery, and causes more harm than good. Jane’s self-righteous interactions with Sharon include a confrontation that nearly made this book hit the wall and proved the only real change in Jane’s personality has been that she has gone from Plain Jane to Bitch Jane. Her continued reliance on liquor whenever there was a crisis wasn’t a good sign, either.

Michael is not much better, and it doesn’t help that there is zero chemistry between him and Jane. One moment they’re talking, and the next, we have a relationship. A tender scene even borders on the bizarre, with Jane demanding that Mike “jiggle and jingle” on her bed. He’s terribly clueless, whether he shows up three hours early at Jane’s house and thinks nothing of the inconvenience, “compliments” Jane by comparing her to his gorgeous ex-girlfriend, or obsesses almost neurotically over a note Jane leaves him. Jane’s godparents, Fred and Trixie, are just too cute for words, as is Jane’s dog Olive, who gets taken everywhere Jane goes and is told everything Jane is doing, so the reader will know what’s going on. Olive has Plot Device stamped on her furry little forehead.

The book doesn’t get any better, with a subplot about K-9 dogs (a subject mentioned in the author letter) that adds bulk to the book and inspires cute behavior from Trixie. There is a ghostly spirit who finally brings peace to Jane, since obviously she wasn’t going to get it on her own, with her immature behavior.

Once in a while I will jot something down or turn down the corner of a page while I am reviewing. With this book, I had two pages of notes before even reaching the halfway mark. Jane, Mike, Trixie, the dogs, the ghosts, the constant mention of N’Awlins instead of New Orleans – all I can say is that I must have missed Ms. Michaels’ talent. Plain Jane did not work for me in any way, shape or form.