We often get questions at AAR about where traditional romance has gone as a genre. Whelp, here it is: Rules of their Royal Wedding Night is very much your average Harlequin Presents, with the kind of formula that hasn’t really changed since the company started printing books with explicit sex in them back in the late 1970s. If you’re looking for more cold heroes, innocent virginal heroines, glossy rich people drama, minor royalty reigning over made-up vaguely European countries, ancient values, and get-‘er-knocked-up plots, then this will be your cup of tea. Unfortunately, Michelle Smart’s continuation of the lives of scandalous Berruti Royal Family doesn’t manage to rise above its stock tropes.

Chirpily innocent Elsbeth Fernandez (Hey!) is thrilled to become a part of the Berruti royal family. She’s marrying the handsome Prince Amadeo as part of a political bargain reached by her Uncle – the unfortunately nicknamed “King Piggy” of Monte Cleure – and the rulers of Ceres, who have been stuck in a Montagues and Capulets-style feud and trade war for decades. Elsbeth is fine with leaving her culture and family behind, as almost everyone but her beloved and now-dead grandmother has treated her poorly. She’s hoping for a fresh start in Ceres, and has dedicated herself to being a Good Princess, which, in her eyes, includes popping out kids and doing anything to avoid being sent back to Monte Cleure in shame. As she waits to be married, she prays to God she’ll be fertile, and her mother has coached her to total submissiveness toward Amadeo. So now you know the tone we’re going for here.

Unfortunately, Prince Amadeo does not want to be married and is absolutely not interested in Elsbeth beyond pumping her full of baby batter ‘til she pops out a kid. She is a hated Fernandez, the family has cost them a lot of grief, and Amadeo refuses to consent to falling in love with her. He is just as trapped in his marriage as Elsbeth is, but unlike her, he does not have equanimity about the situation. He also thinks she’s just interested in the role because one day she’ll be queen of Ceres. But she is pretty and blonde, so hey, a pumping he will go.

Naturally, the sex they have is the best that has ever existed in all of humanity’s humping, but Amadeo withdraws from the scene each time he finishes. The couple agrees to meet every Saturday night until the heir is conceived, otherwise only spending time together for public engagements. Elsbeth is hurt that Amadeo refuses to live with her, and her brother and sisters-in-law reach out to her. A thaw sets in before the baby is conceived, with Amadeo and Elsbeth’s sister-in-law encouraging her toward independence. But as the months pass and Elsbeth doesn’t conceive, will she ever feel true happiness?

Rules of Their Royal Wedding Night denied me a proper grovel from our stiff-necked hero, and I am mad at it for that. But lo, it is not the only reason for the D grade.

You know what you’re getting with a story like this; lotsa procreative sex that borders on breeding kink; dark, sad, broody hero with a tragic past; sunshiney, naïve, innocent romantic who must step it up and become a Woman to claim her destiny of happiness, sex and general respect as a substitute for true love (at least the sex is kind of hot and features Amadeo whacking off to entice Elsbeth). But the book misses some key ingredients that keep it from soaring, and Smart’s dull, lifeless prose doesn’t help.

Elsbeth comes off as childlike and over emotional, which is extremely uncomfortable considering so much of her story arc is about babymaking. There are throwaway lines that make you understand why she’s eagerly jumped into this marriage (her father beat her once for eavesdropping), and wince-worthy moments that explain her attitude (“women were meant to breed and obey” she thinks to herself, a notion Amadeo has to convince her is wrong, which is kind of counterproductive when talking about feminism).

Amadeo is Reserved Icy Hero Type B; he hates the Fernandez family, he is Dark and Brooding, and he Wants to Be Alone. Do not drink every time he lets out a “dio” or you’ll die of alcohol poisoning, and try not to roll your eyes as his interest in car racing is introduced, only to… well, you’ll see. His brother basically says he’s being a moron but it takes a lot for Amadeo to realize he IS being a moron.

I have no idea why these two love each other, other than proximity and sexual chemistry and genuinely being a pair of okay people. He likes car racing; she likes… well, Elsbeth doesn’t seem to have much of a hobby outside of bonking Amadeo, hanging out with her sisters-in-law and being so Utterly Terribly Innocent and Submissive.

There’s about one thing that makes Rules of Their Royal Wedding Night interesting: it’s the home of the most melodramatic menstrual cramping in all of literature. And you’ll need to pop a Midol if you want to get through it without snapping.