The Black Knight is like a window to the past. Not to medieval times, but to the 1970s – when the prose dripped with purple, and the hero and heroine vowed to hate each other forever but hopped into bed two sentences later. Romance has long since moved past these conventions, but someone forgot to tell Connie Mason. Basically, this book is a string of hot love scenes between underdeveloped characters, with a couple of action sequences thrown in for good measure.

Drake is a young squire fostering at the home of his father’s friend, Nyle of Chirk. Although Drake is handsome and popular with the ladies of the house, all the other squires call him “Sir Bastard.” He’s not actually illegitimate, but he doesn’t have proof of his parents’ marriage, so his half-brother Waldo stands to inherit the family estate. Waldo is engaged to the beautiful Daria of Chirk, Nyle’s daughter. Drake loves Daria passionately, but when he tries to elope with her he is caught and banished from Chirk. Drake is sure that Daria’s younger sister Raven is the one who revealed his plans to elope, and he vows to hate her (and all treacherous women) forever. Actually, Daria never wanted to elope with him, and she is the one who made sure her father knew of their plans.

Flash forward several years. Drake has now become the feared and respected “Black Knight,” decorated in battle and given land by the king. Daria has died from a suspicious stomach problem, just months after her marriage to Waldo. Now Waldo has a special dispensation from the Pope, and he is about to marry the passionate and beautiful Raven, the woman he wanted all along. Raven hates Waldo. She believes he killed her sister, and she thinks he’s a brutish jerk besides. When Drake shows up for a pre-wedding tournament, Raven throws herself on his mercy and begs him to rescue her from her marriage to Waldo. He steadfastly refuses to do this, even though he knows Waldo is a viscious brute (who tries to kill him several times).

After Waldo and Raven are married, Waldo and Drake both get drunk. Waldo passes out, and the inebriated Drake decides to take revenge upon Waldo by usurping his place in the marriage bed. Since Drake is such a gentleman, he decides to seduce Raven instead of raping her outright, telling one of his loyal followers, “I do not hold any special fondness for her, but for friendship’s sake, Raven’s deflowering will not be rape.” True to his word, Drake seduces the unwilling Raven until she’s begging for his attentions, takes her virginity, and then leaves her to deal with Waldo. Waldo is understandably annoyed when Raven announces that she has already been deflowered, so she knocks him unconscious and flees into the night. Meanwhile, Drake is having second thoughts about his treatment of Raven, so he decides to offer her his protection. They end up fleeing together to Drake’s own estate.

From here the story descends into a series of repetitive scenes. Drake pressures Raven into granting him further sexual favors, even though she is technically married to Waldo. Drake seduces. Raven protests “Nay, nay my lord! We cannot!” Then they end up in bed. Or a meadow, or a freezing cold lake – whichever is most convenient at the time. He doesn’t particularly care whether his actions result in a pregnancy, which is odd behavior for someone who grew up with taunts about his supposed illegitimacy. Plenty more ends up happening, and all of it is predictable.

All of the characters are completely lifeless, except perhaps for the annoying and over the top Waldo. Of course he’s a murderous jerk, but at least he has a personality. However, if you are familiar with children’s literature, you may find yourself dissolving into giggles every time someone asks, “Where’s Waldo?”

The love scenes are plentiful to the point of being excessive. Raven and Drake mate enthusiastically and often, and we always get to hear about it. Every purple prose phrase known to man makes at least one token appearance. Drake’s turgid manhood is everywhere, and Raven’s pouting nether lips are never far behind. There are also several vivid descriptions of Drake’s “seed,” used with verbs like “splash” and “spew.” By the end of the book, all this just seems boring.

The Black Knight is attractively packaged, with a beautiful cover and a back blurb that sounds somewhat promising – if a little overdramatic. But romance has so much more to offer than this. Dozens of authors are out there creating engaging plots, sophisticated conflicts, and well-developed characters. Do yourself a favor and read something else. You’re worth it.