I’ll admit there is a kind of sick, perverted pleasure to be had in a screamingly bad book. And while this incredible howler by Melanie George definitely delivers some twisted thrills, it is ultimately totally and completely ridiculous. The plot is nonsensical, the stereotypes insulting, and the errors ­ both of logic and fact ­ beyond belief.

Twenty-five year-old successful romance novelist Mallory Ginelli is in a bind. Her seventeen year-old sister has racked up over $20,000 in gambling debts by betting on horse races. (Those pesky teenagers!) Since Melanie’s poor put-upon single mom couldn’t come up with the money (let alone keep her from betting on horses and shoplifting ­ but more about that later), it’s up to Mallory to come up with the cash. Fortunately for her, a wealthy English scientist offers her big bucks to come to England to help him with a mysterious project.

Since we’re definitely toiling in cutesy-land in this book, the scientist is, of course, a human sexuality specialist who is rumored to be developing a Viagra-like pill for women. He’s also an Earl who, despite the fact that he is both devastatingly handsome and phenomenally rich, has absolutely no luck with women. Genius that he obviously is, he’s let himself be convinced that because Mallory writes steamy novels she ­ and only she ­ can show him how to be more appealing to women. (See, it’s “funny” that a human sexuality specialist is clumsy with women.)

And, that fellow readers, is the basic plot: Romance writer and her obligatory “fast” friend travel to England where they spar with sexually stunted Earl and his handsome male secretary. And, I don’t think I’ll be giving too much away, when I tell you that a few “hysterical” plot twists later, all four get together.

This book is bad on so many levels. First of all, the writing is clumsy, hammerhead prose that is incredibly painful to read. And as for insulting stereotypes, you’ve got two big ones:

• The Italian gangster: Bruno, the thug to whom Mallory’s sister owes money talks like this: “Youse don’t gimme no lip” and “Yo, am I my brudder’s keeper?”
• The Jewish American Princess: Mallory’s friend Freddie sees shopping as an occupation, is so “helpless” outside of NYC that she calls England a third-world country, has never worked a single day in her life, has an “adorably” foul mouth, and all-in-all adds up to one major shallow pain in the butt.

But Melanie George doesn’t stop there. Mallory’s sister Genie is a ridiculous caricature of a sullen teenager who leads me to another major bone I’ve got to pick with this book. We’re told that Mallory is so cash strapped because she had to pay a $15,000 bond to break her sister out of jail after her shoplifting arrest. Hey, I may not be a lawyer but I watch a lot of Court TV and that is a ridiculously high bail amount for a juvenile first-time arrest, not to even mention the fact that you’ve got to wonder if Melanie George has ever heard of the concept of a bail bondsman? Obviously not. As for Mallory herself ­ I can’t even comment. She’s whiny, stupid, shallow, and just absurd. And the earl? I’ve got one major Jones for English aristocrats and when I think he’s lame, trust me, he’s lame.

I haven’t read Melanie George before and won’t again ­ especially if she routinely drastically underestimates the intelligence of her readers as she did in this book. So I say to Laurie and Blythe and the AAR Powers That Be: Yo, youse don’t gimme no mo’.