The Seduction of Ellen. Of course you all knew I would have to read this one didn’t you? Characters named Ellen are not all that common, and when I find one, I am always happy. I had hoped that this book would be worthy of having a heroine with that wonderful name, but my hopes were dashed by – oh, about the second paragraph and I spent the rest of the book mentally inserting “Doofus” whenever Ellen’s name came up.

Words cannot begin to describe the sheer awfulness of this book. The characters had all the personality of mannequins and did not act remotely like realistic people. The story meandered all over the place, periodically stopping dead in its tracks while some place, dress, person, train, love scene, etc. gets described in excruciating detail. The book did have the saving grace of being very, very funny – not intentionally I’m sure, but I haven’t laughed so hard since Mel Brooks’ The History of the World Part I.

Ellen Cornelius is 36, a plain brown wren of a woman who is divorced and has a son who is a cadet at The Citadel. Ellen lives as a companion to her Aunt Augusta Landseer, who is 81, rich as Bill Gates and as mean and nasty an old bat as a writer of pulp romance can dream up. When the book begins, Ellen and Augusta are in London where Augusta is consulting with doctors trying to find one who can make her live forever. Since this is not a paranormal book, plausibilty just flew out the window.

Ellen meets a shifty, scarred, dead-eyed (yet tall, dark and handsome) patent medicine peddler, Steve Corey (known as Mister Corey for almost the entire book) who is accompanied by his companion Padjan. Padjan claims to be a member of the ancient and long-lost Anazasi tribe who possess the secret of the Healing Waters. Aunt Augusta wants those waters and money is no object. For some inexplicable reason, Padjan likes the old witch and pretty soon, they are making plans to go to the Anazasi village. During this time, Ellen is mooning around about Mister Corey – alternately hating and desiring him.

On the ocean voyage over, Mister Corey spends his time merrily boinking a Frenchwoman who does not like to wear underwear and Ellen passes the time simmering with supressed lust and hate. When they get to the States, Ellen takes a quick trip to The Citadel to visit her son, who is never seen again – can you say “story padding,” boys and girls? Then they take a train out West and on the train comes the first big love scene. Ellen is on the train’s observation car – in comes Mister Corey and pretty soon her nightgown is sailing off into the bushes and they are going at it hot and heavy.

Of course she hates him come the dawn.

Then they all get in a wagon and go off to the place of the Anazasi. Augusta complains and gripes and bitches until I would have parked her whiney old butt on the nearest rock and whistled for the vultures. But Padjan likes her, God knows why, and they press on. On the trip, Ellen and Mister Corey make love under a waterfall in a scene that had me howling with laughter. Mister Corey has what Ellen wants. Soap – what did you expect me to say? He lathers her up from head to toe in a scene that is lavishly described, but when she turns around and looks at him – he is shall we say detumescent? And after all that lavish lathering too. But all Ellen has to do is touch him lightly – and boing!!

Of course she hates him come the dawn.

Later on, Ellen and Mister Corey make love in a cave after they are stranded there by a sudden flood. This scene is described in lots and lots of purple prose and when Ryan refers to it as a lovestorm, I had to take a minute to compose myself.

Of course she hates him come the dawn.

They finally get to the Anazasi village where the Magic Waters make everything nice for everyone and finally Ellen quits calling Mister Corey, Mister and calls him Steeeeve!!

Of course she loves him come the dawn.

I’m going to have to keep this book around for a while. There are times when I really need a good laugh and this is more entertaining than almost any comedy I can think of. This book has everything to keep the aficionado of bad books entertained: a silly story, paper-thin characters and purple, purple prose. By golly, The Seduction of Ellen is so bad, it’s a bloody masterpiece!