The Star-Crossed Bride is melodramatic, illogical, and more than a little silly. On the other hand, it is somehow strangely compelling. For some reason the plot drew me in even though it made little sense, and I was curious about these characters, even though I didn’t particularly like them.

Valentine Fenster and Emily Weatherley fell in love when they were young and headstrong, but their elopement attempt failed when they were intercepted by Emily’s stern cousin Simon. Simon made Valentine believe that his actions were dishonorable and selfish, and after three years Valentine is still ashamed of himself. Emily has since been engaged twice, but both bridegrooms died before they could make it to the altar. When Emily becomes engaged a third time and Valentine discovers that her fiancé, Lord Granbury, is a cruel murderer, he comes to Scotland (where Emily is in exile) to warn her family. Emily’s mean mother doesn’t particularly care that Lord Granbury is a murderer; after all, he’s a marquess! She throws Valentine out of her home and threatens to ruin his sisters’ reputations if he comes near Emily again.

Emily spends most of her time locked in her room, so she is completely unaware of Valentine’s visit. However, she determines on her own that marrying Lord Granbury is not a good idea, so she makes a rope of sheets and escapes out her window. She lands straight into Valentine’s waiting arms, and is overjoyed to see him again. Although Valentine still loves her, he convinces her to return to her room because he knows running away will destroy her reputation forever (his obsession with Emily’s reputation is a recurring theme in this novel). He vows to help her escape marriage to Granbury without running away. His plan is to write to her cousin Simon (who is also his brother in law, and the hero of the previous book) for assistance. Meanwhile, he takes a position as a footman in her home. This ingenious disguise allows him to hide in plain sight; no one ever really looks at a footman (or at least, they never look at this one).

As Valentine and Emily work together to try to bring Granbury to justice, Granbury becomes hostile and dangerous. Valentine and Emily decide to elope, but they remain at the house and keep their marriage a secret. Emily is eager for the marriage to be a real one in every sense of the word, but Valentine wants to keep all the options open. He is still worried about Emily’s precious reputation, and he’s afraid that she will hate living in relative poverty with a lowly viscount (as if she’s been having a grand old time locked in her room, living in luxury). Will they ever be able to prove to the world that Granbury is an evil man so they can declare their true love in front of God and everybody? Will they ever even be able to consummate their secret marriage?

Well, they do consummate their marriage in one of the most tepid and unbelievable love scenes I’ve ever read. Not everyone likes them hot and detailed (and I can appreciate sensuality levels from kisses to hot myself) but if you are have a foreplay-less quickie love scene involving a naïve virgin heroine, it seems a little ridiculous for her to have the orgasm of her life right off the bat.

But then – nothing about this book is particularly believable. Emily’s mother is vicious and cruel for no apparent reason. Supposedly she is angry that Emily wasn’t a boy, but you’d think after twenty-odd years she’d have gotten over it and moved on. No such luck. You would also think she and Valentine would bond over their mutual desire to protect Emily’s reputation, which is one of Emily’s mother’s abiding concerns. But although she wants to impress the ton with her noble daughter’s great marriage, she doesn’t really care what ton might say about people who lock their daughters up like criminals. She also seems blithely unconcerned with the scandal that would inevitably arise if Granbury murdered her daughter in one of his mad rages.

For awhile, I was really enjoying this book anyway. Sure, it was pure melodrama, but it was kind of fun too. You could really feel the tension as Valentine paraded around in his footman’s livery, trying to save the beautiful Emily from the evil Granbury. With all the locked rooms and disguises, the whole thing had sort of a Disney-esque Rescuers feel. Besides, these people actually loved each other from page one, which was a nice change of pace.

But after awhile, Valentine really started to get to me. I don’t want every hero to be an alpha caveman with a club in one hand the heroine’s hair in the other, but this guy really went to the other extreme. Over and over he would wring his hands and worry about what everyone would think if Emily eloped again. Would her reputation be destroyed forever? About halfway through the book I wanted to shake him and shout, “Are you a man or a mouse?!” I got the impression that if she had been about to marry someone half-way decent, he would have walked right out of her life without a fight, and tell true love to just go hang.

So while this is a diverting – and at times even original – book, it is also deeply flawed. This might be worth a look if you really want to wallow in melodrama, but only if you can stomach the wimpy hero.