It’s been a long time since I struggled through a novel like I did with Melanie Jackson’s Writ on Water. But with the unwieldy writing, the unnecessarily drawn out subplots, and utterly dull and lifeless characters, I could barely manage to keep my eyes open. In fact, this novel is so forgettable that I can’t be bothered to write out full paragraphs of the various problems. Instead, I present a bullet-point list:

• Language: Flowery, overblown, and much too long to use as an example here, the language in this novel borders on archaic. Jackson was attempting to channel some old gothics, it’s true, but in a contemporary set novel, the lengthy descriptive paragraphs, interjection of italicized quotes (for example, Rory and Chloe were of one heart and mind on the subject of flowers), and stilted, unnatural dialogue (refer to the “pudenda” reference below) distanced and detracted from the novel.

• Description: Fifteen pages of one dream. Enough Said.
• Overblown plot points: the prologue and the entire first section of the novel makes an enormous deal of the fact that our main character Chloe is going to be in close proximity to her “witch” grandmother. Chloe vows she’ll never go see her. She doesn’t. So why on earth is she even mentioned?
• No action: Our heroine rarely does anything because she’s too busy thinking in long, tedious paragraphs about her surroundings and finding random quotes to describe them – without crediting the original source. I fancy myself relatively well-read, but I could identify maybe two or three out of the ten to twelve she uses through the novel to describe everything from the weather to how she and hero Rory get along.
• Further unnecessary plot devices: On top of the grandma who doesn’t get a visit, Chloe’s so-called second sight and the paranormal plot line is another unnecessary, overblown plot element. The second sight helps her “solve” the mystery. Of course, anyone capable of thirty seconds of logical thought figured out the mystery two sentences after it occurred, but our Chloe has to dream it. And then use her “powers” for a last minute hitch in her relationship with Rory.
• Setting issues: Writ on Water is meant to be a contemporary, but the language is gothic. Chloe seems about as modern as a Model T, and somewhere along the way, digital cameras never made it to household use because of the expense.
• Character problems: the only true character is MacGregor, the patriarch. Chloe and Rory have the personalities and chemistry of wet cardboard. I couldn’t believe in either of them or their relationship, and I really couldn’t bring myself to care.
• Finally, just down-right unbelievable elements that had me by turns laughing my head off and moaning in disbelief: those of you brave enough to go ahead and read this novel will love the scene where Glinda the Good Witch appears, and Rory’s particularly tender pillow talk about the female pudenda.

If you really want a plot rundown, here it is: Chloe is a photographer who specializes in cemeteries and graveyards for insurance purposes. She is invited to spend time at the Patrick house, to photograph their very private, very personal grave yard. There she meets old MacGregor, a true eccentric, and his somewhat belligerent son, Rory. Something bad happens, Rory starts acting shifty, what is going to happen, will Chloe ever figure it out, will she and Rory be separated for ever….

I try to write balanced reviews, but the only positive thing I could find to say about this novel is that it helped me sleep on a very long flight over the Pacific. I actually feel insulted and angry at Dorchester for publishing this. People are going to buy it. They are going to spend hard-earned cash on something that should never have seen the light of day. Hopefully, by my honesty, I’ll be saving some of you your precious time and money.