For years, All About Romance ran a very amusing Purple Prose Parody Contest. We thought we’d share some of the entries. These two are culled from the 1999 Contest.
Knight of a Thousand Volts
Cherry was simply following directions on how to test the batteries by pressing the little dot on the package when she felt herself spinning into a dark void.
“Bam, bam, bam. . . .”
A monotonous and annoying sound forced her awake. Shocked to see the Energizer Bunny setting on her chest she rubbed her eyes and took another peek.
“Where am I?”, she demanded.
“Dry Cell! You scamp! She’s mine!”, a male voice declared.
Cherry watched in amazement as the Energizer Bunny hopped off her chest and scurried off. Electricity crackled all around. Cherry could smell ozone as if a lightening bolt room deodorizer was in use.
“Who are you and where are you from?” the voice was closer.
“I was at the Wal-Mart store,” she replied. “The one in Dal Ass For Tworth Te Xas to be exact, and if you hope to gain all your battery customers by kidnapping. . . you don’t stand a chance; not with today’s enlightened consumer.” As a one time secret shopper, Cherry had experienced every high-tech marketing technique in the book.
Her initial disgruntle diminished when she saw the gorgeous hunk that offered his hand to help her up off the floor. She mentally retracted her first impression, here was a man for Diehards if there were such a thing.
“Cherry. You can call me Cherry.” she answered him as all 140 pounds of her heft lifted in his arms as light as a feather. “Do you carry rechargeables?” she breathlessly asked and thanked her lucky stars she had her makeup on.
“Who are these other rechargers you speak of?” The masculine beauty queried as his hands slid around Cherry’s neck and his perfectly chiseled lips closed over hers. Bzzzzz, his kiss stunned her senseless.
“Why I’ve never felt so alive!” she exclaimed a moment latter.
“That was just a sample boost,” he scoffed, “Aferall, am I not Gel Cell? Eveready charger and booster cable for little Candies like you?” Gel then proceeded to demonstrate his next two levels of energy.
Candies’ board straight hair coiled into perfect sausage curls. The manicure on her toes melted and redried as fresh as new. “Oh Gel Cell.” she breathlessly spoke in a newer more come hither voice, “I never dreamed it could be like this! Show me more, more, more. . .” In earnest she returned his affectionate caresses, but had difficulty keeping pace with him. Her clothes were being wisked away, while his seemed to be fastened with self locking fasteners. In a flash, a crack of lightening, she stood before him vibratingly bare.
“Turn around Candies, let me bestow you with more power.” His words warmed her to her now pretty pink toes.
“Cherries,” she corrected him while smoothly turning in his locknut grip. Her ripe peach derriere pressed against his shielded steel encased thighs.
“When things are bad Cause your circuits burned Reset, Reset Then plug me in again!”
Strange words she didn’t understand, but he spoke them urgently before his teeth closed on her spinal column. “This is not the standard recharging you are about to receive,” he warned her. His warm breath down her back sent amperes of desire through her limbs leaving her glowing incandescently.
He weighed each of her breast in his hands and murmured “D’s at least, you’ve made me a happy man Candies, not that C’s or even AAA’s wouldn’t have been appreciated,” he quickly amended not wanting to spoil their first junction.
He smoothly released his wilderness sized torch from his trousers. Already glowing and sparking in readiness, he expertly introduced himself to her open socket. “This is not the position I would prefer for our first flash,” he spoke as he wedged himself deeper. Gel preferred a triple prong connection to this standard safety, but he had to follow the dictates of his world’s customs.
Candies was beginning to feel a new effect. Her body gave off a black light and soon everything took on a Disco look. “Ah, Gel Cell, you’re so big!” Bam, Bam, Bam. . . her brain ceased to function as she gave into the new electrical urges he showed her. Her synapses were sparking charges that cleared every nerve gap in her body. “Sooo big!”
Gel Cell viewed the lovely Candies wrapped in his arms and knew his lifetime love was her AC to his DC. So moved by the feeling he gave her the special effect that all men of his world were sought for. Firmly gripping her on his torch, Gel Cell applied his latent energy. It vibrated.
“Ahhh. . . Candies you have drained me too fast!” he moaned in her ear after her fifth ear shattering orgasm.
“Oh Gel Cell! I have not broken you have I?” She turned her tear stained face up to his.
“Pzzzz! You need never worry about that my Candies.” But his form began to fade into pink fuzz right before her eyes.
“Oh my!” Candies cried. “He’s gone!”
Just then a pink Energizer bunny hopped on her lap. And kept going, and going and going. . . .
from Rhonda Drummond:
It was not such a routine search as Agent Queue thought it would be. She and Agent Ess were on their hands and knees in the tunnel, and their usually pristine black suits had an orangy dusting about them. The tunnel vibrated as they heard the hum of ship warming up. These aliens had no clearance to leave! They had to find a way to stop them quickly! Agent Queue moved as quickly as her crawling would allow, which gave Agent Ess a wonderful view of her tight, wool-covered bottom. He had had worse assignments. A slight smirk touched his lips, and he continued to follow his partner.
In a few moments they were out of the tunnel, and the giant spaceship loomed over them. A few human-looking creatures known as the Vajroli were doing last minute inspections here and there. Agents Queue and Ess stealthily moved to the ship’s entrance. “Freeze! M.I.B.!” shouted Agent Ess. He held a simple-looking, yet very complicated weapon of unearthly origin. Agent Queue’s weapon was known to all as simply “Noisy Cricket”. The M.I.B. meant business. The workers froze.
“This is an unauthorized launch!” said Agent Queue. “Where’s the pilot?”
The workers motioned toward the inside of the ship.
“You watch these guys. I’ll stall him,” said Agent Queue.
“Be careful, Q,” said Agent Ess.
Queue disappeared into the ship, and met the pilot. She had known him since he first arrived at the M.I.B. headquarters three years ago. “Captain Laxmin! You have no authorization to leave Earth, let alone Colorado!”
The Vajroli captain seemed too human at times. His tresses cascaded down his back in some colour Queue could not identify. Could be brown, could be red, could be dark blond… He was all muscles and angles, covered in a green fabric Queue could not identify, yet his skin of his face was as smooth as an Earth toddler’s. Laxmin’s silvery eyes narrowed as they met with Queue’s velvety brown gaze.
“I must leave. The Vajroli have gone to war with the Purbans. Earth was merely an outpost for us. Vajrol needs its pilots, its fighters, all of them.”
“Not one leaves this planet until M.I.B. knows about it.”
“Now they do.” “You are very mistaken, Captain.”
Queue felt a warmth flooding her in strange places. No alien made her feel this way, in fact, Earth men rarely did.
“Perhaps you could persuade me to stay, Agent Q. . . “ He ran his nimble hands through her silky chocolate-brown hair. He could feel her heat. Vajroli had enhanced senses, and this made intimate encounters very intense. He wondered if the dark-haired Earth female had ever had more than a mediocre experience.
“Well, if you have a war to fight,” Queue whispered. . . .
“I don’t think it’s as violent as the war you fight within yourself, Agent Q.” He felt a slight quiver come from her. He tried to hide his wisdom, but the sly smile that played over his face denied him from hiding this information. Agent Queue suddenly frowned in disgust at this alien’s arrogance.“Go the hell home, then!” she scoffed.
“I really don’t want to, since this planet offers so many niceties.” Laxmin scanned every inch of Agent Queue’s lush woolen-covered frame. He especially like those short skirts the female M.I.B. agents wore. That more females could be blessed with such legs as these. Laxmin had seen Agent Queue before, many times, and wondered how it would be to have her tanned gams wrapped about him.
“If you don’t want to leave, then don’t, at least until we have authorization.”
“Let’s just hope that takes some time.”
“Time enough for what?”
“As if you didn’t know, Agent Q.” Laxmin’s slow, easy strokes stopped, and he twirled Agent Queue about to face him. She didn’t even have a nanosecond to think before his lips locked onto her own, hard in pressure, soft in texture, demanding in everything. Agent Queue attempted to break from the alien pilot’s grasp.
“This is anything but professional, Captain!” she squeaked. She fumbled for her neuralizer, and found her hopes dashed when she realized that she had left it with Agent Ess.
“Don’t go looking for your gadgets, Q,” whispered Laxmin, hot against her ear. His teeth grazed at her earlobe. Agent Queue knew she would lose this fight. There was an external battle with the Vajroli captain, along with an internal battle of her own. He knew her thoughts, even though his race did not have telepathy. “Give into your own desires, Q.”
Agent Queue no longer argued with that primitive part of her, and turn about to meet with Laxmin. “Again!” she urged. Laxmin wrapped about her, strong and sure, his kiss melting into her mouth, soft and sweet. She opened her lips to match this initial invasion, and retaliated with a sweet invasion of her own. She squirmed in surprise when she felt Laxmin’s tongue tickle the back of her throat, and stopped when she thought about where this sensation might take her. She leaned back against the control panel. Multicolored light danced over the board and through her head. Her eyes were closed, and she relished in the sensual way Laxmin had suddenly taken control of her with his touch.
“You must enjoy all the pleasures your planet has to offer, Q,” Laxmin said as he unbuttoned her woolen jacket. He moved her black tie aside, and quickly popped the buttons of her white oxford shirt, surprised to find a black lace bra binding her taut breasts. She had an amazing set, and they appeared to have defied the pull of gravity in her thirty-five years. Laxmin found the sight to be too tempting to hold back, and he nuzzled against her neck as his hands filled with her firm, fleshy mounds. The tips were hardening quickly, as was Queue’s pulse. He moved down and laved at their tips with intricate accuracy, bringing a heat within her that she thought was long dead, and she wanted to do so much more.
“Laxmin, Captain. . . “ Queue sighed. She grasped at the velcro straps of his suit, relishing in the ripping sound they made as she tugged on them. That was all that held his suit together. Such a wonderful invention! Which groups of aliens gave them that one? Not the Vajroli, but it worked so well on them! She ripped at the velcro tap just above the crotch of his suit, and his earthly member fell free, growing and pulsing. “So, this is what M.I.B. agents do for you,” she whispered.
“Only certain ones. . . “ He shuddered slightly when Queue wrapped her strong grip around him and stroked him slowly. Her hands were nimble and fast, then slow and lingering. What had she learned whilst in the employ of this agency? So many cultures came to this crossroads, it was hard to tell, but it was just so hard! How many other women from this planet had such an effect of him? He swallowed hard as he felt her do the same thing. Agent Queue’s mouth replaced her hand, and she was sucking him, teasing him, taking him into a sweet oblivion. She lapped at that one secret place upon him that few women from any planet knew of, and she worked that little muscle for all its worth. His soft squeals and moans were enough to let Queue know she was stalling him quite well. “Q. . . , ooh, yeah. Ohh. . . “
Queue stopped a moment, only to say, “Can’t answer you. Mouth is full.”
“If you don’t stop, it will be very full of something else.”
Queue stopped, and pulled back. “I think I like where this is going.” She came up to meet him, silver eye to brown eye. “Where is it going, Captain?”
Laxmin did his talking with his hands as they slid up beneath Queue’s short, black skirt, teasing her pleasure bud through her cotton panties. His mouth claimed hers again, and she sighed into his kisses as she met her first climatic wave. Such skilled, manipulative fingers Vajroli men had. She hoped the Purban war would end soon so could experience more, but that was Laxmin’s intention. To give her all he could in this short amount of time. Enough time for her partner to get the clearance he needed, but really did not want. She was very much ready, very wet, very slick with need.
“You don’t usually do this, do you, Q?”
“Not often, no, but you made it so, Captain. Finish what you started!”
No more invitation was needed, and Queue flinched slightly when she heard the ripping of cotton, and acknowledged the fact that her panties were merely scraps now.
She gasped as he entered her warm recess, so long it had been since any man had been there, human or alien. His strokes were varied, quick and slow, shallow and deep, teasing and taking, taking and taking and taking her to her own brilliant galaxy of delight. She swept through her personal stars and rode through climatic vortexes of Laxmin’s own making.
Laxmin relished in her garden of earthly delights, slipping further and further into his own walls of sensations and satisfaction. He plunged on and on as Agent Queue’s womanly muscles milked him hard and tight. One last, stellar-bursting ebb took Agent Queue and Laxmin over the edge, and he erupted into her warm vortex, never wanting to come out of this black hole.
A few minutes of silence passed as they both collected their clothes and thoughts.
The quiet was broken by Agent Ess’s voice. “Agent Queue?”
“Yes?” answered Queue.
“The Vajroli has been cleared to go home. Turns out the Purbans are pretty nasty.”
“You can go on home, Captain,” Queue said. “You will come back, though.”
It was not a request.
“Far be it from me to break the statutes of the M.I.B., Agent Queue.” No more was said, and Laxmin sealed his unspoken promise with a simple kiss.
“Unusual stalling tactics, Q,” said Agent Ess.
“Who said I was stalling?”