“…sometimes I feel like everyone else is carrying a bucket of water but I’m trying to carry an ocean.”

I picked up Heidi Cullinan’s Carry the Ocean because of its beautiful cover and the intriguing title, and it was well worth the read. A friends-to-lovers romance that’s alternately poignant and painful, it’s not perfect but has plenty to recommend it – and now I’m curious about the sequel as well.

The story begins when nineteen-year-old Emmet Washington notices Jeremey (with an extra e) Samson, who lives near him. Emmet likes the look of him and wonders whether Jeremey will agree to be his boyfriend. Being on the spectrum, Emmet is very direct, but he’s also aware that other people operate in different ways, so he takes things slow and makes the first move by introducing himself to Jeremey at a neighborhood block party. That’s when he discovers that Jeremey is even more socially awkward than he is. Dealing with major depressive disorder and serious social anxiety, made worse by his parents’ insistence that he be ‘normal’, means Jeremey is desperately lonely. He and Emmet become friends, but the attraction deepening between them brings a whole new set of challenges to be faced.

I won’t mention much more about the plot, mostly because this isn’t a tightly plotted story. It’s an exploration of Emmet’s and Jeremey’s growth as individuals and as a couple, how they navigate minefields together and arrive at a better place, literally as well as metaphorically. I liked Emmet a lot. He struggles with understanding other people’s emotions and with making eye contact, he takes everything at face value and he can be too blunt on occasion, but he’s the best partner Jeremey could have. Jeremey always knows where he stands with Emmet, and Emmet’s directness cuts through a lot of the lies that depression tells Jeremey (e.g. that if something goes wrong, it’s his fault). Emmet also comes up with a code the two of them can use when even texting is more than Jeremey can do (A = I’m angry, H = I hear you but don’t have anything to say, and so on).

Jeremey is more difficult to like. I know Emmet enjoys rainfall, trains, and math, and he feels like a real person with autism. Jeremey feels more like the sum of his disorders. Maybe this is because he has such significant issues to deal with – the quote at the start of the review is by him – and things get even worse for him before they get better. He does get appropriate help after some time, but when the story focuses on his issues, occasionally it felt like watching an after-school special. That said, I enjoyed the friendship he develops with David, a college student who at first seems like the antithesis of everything Emmet and Jeremey are. Confident, athletic, and straight, David was about to join a fraternity when an accident left him a quadriplegic, but he’s not about to let that stop him from being himself.

Other supporting characters I liked were Emmet’s mother, who manages to balance protecting him with giving him the freedom he needs to move into independent adulthood. His father is also supportive but more laid-back, and has a habit of taking Emmet for ice cream whenever things get too heavy at home.

Mom and Althea fought with me. They fought with each other. My dad fought with them and took me to get so much ice cream I started to not like ice cream. We switched to watching The Blues Brothers instead, which made my tummy less upset.

One caveat I’d like to add, though, is that I don’t have autism, depressive disorder or anxiety, so I can’t say whether the representation in this book is entirely accurate or respectful. I can only say that I found it realistic and sensitive. All in all, Carry the Ocean is a heartwarming story – not always an easy read by any means, or one where problems are easily erased, but definitely one I recommend.