Reviewing Crazy Bao You is like disciplining a puppy. This book is trying SO HARD to be a good book. It wants SO BADLY for me to like it. Having to look it in the face and say ‘I get that you’re trying, but you still pooped on the rug’ makes me feel like a bully. But that being said – you come to this site to ask reviewers, ‘If I bring this book into my life, will it poop on my metaphorical reading rug’ And the only honest answer I can give you is ‘Yes’.

Let’s start by looking at how much this book tries to be everything to every reader. Do you like small towns? Great! Etsy designer for the shop Crazy Bao You Kimmie Park lives in Oklahoma. Big cities? No problem! Matt West, who bought one of her cute bags for his grandmother, is a New Yorker. Working-class heroes? Perfect – Matt’s a firefighter. Billionaires? No sweat! Matt’s dad owns a huge retail conglomerate and Matt is only working at the FDNY because it’s so much more meaningful. But he still has the connections to hook Kimmie up with a job, and the cash to live that swanky Upper East Side life! Mistaken identities? Matt thinks Kimmie is the woman posing with goods on her Etsy site, when in reality it’s Kimmie’s best friend. Mistaken identities? Kimmie was raised by Korean adoptive parents and has learned late in life that she’s ethnically Taiwanese. Mistaken identities? When Kimmie finally discloses her identity to Matt, he perpetuates the confusion by lying to his dad about which person is Kimmie. I definitely hope you like mistaken identities.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that this all kicks off with a bizarrely unrelated slapstick comedy sequence in which Kimmie goes viral in a video in which she loses her temper at her boss and … dances out her feelings. Yes.

Part of why I feel so bad criticizing this book is that it is so genuinely well-intentioned. The characters are kind. Matt is a sweet guy. Kimmie is doing her best. Kimmie’s mean boss is thrilled when he sees her again, because Kimmie’s twerking tuchus has, like the proverbial milkshake, brought all the boys to his retail yard, and it’s all apologies and no hard feelings. Kimmie’s friends are ready to help her. Matt’s dad can’t wait to play fairy godmother to an Etsy rando. Etsy includes a creator who isn’t a bot or a reseller, and allows that creator to earn good money. It’s a lovely fantasy.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t make the book interesting. Somehow, despite its everything-and-the-kitchen-sink approach, this book actually seems to have less content than books that are much shorter. Scenes are micro-narrated and dialogue is inefficient. Characterization is in-your-face. Writing is, to be honest, amateurish. It feels like a microaggression that, in 2023, the author describes Matt’s Black friend as “handsome in a Denzel Washington way.” (Not “a young Denzel Washington way”, “a Denzel Washington way.”) Denzel was Sexiest Man Alive in 1996, before this character was even born! There are other Black men to use as benchmarks! Ones who do not make it sound like the firefighter has progeria!

Kimmie is clueless, as when she refuses to capitalize on her viral video by linking to her Etsy store – “My Etsy store would succeed or fail on the merits of my products. Not on some embarrassing footage of me losing my inhibitions.” Okay, but… people won’t know about the merits of your products unless they, you know, find out that they exist. Matt is clueless, as when he can’t tell that Kimmie isn’t her best friend over video chat because Kimmie – heavier, black-haired instead of brown, and from an entirely different race – is wearing a blue skin-care mask. These people may be sweet, but they sure are dumb.

I’m sorry to say, Crazy Bao You, that all your good intentions have not really paved the road you hoped to travel. And readers, unless you’re looking for a really particular experience, it’s probably not a road you need to travel either.