I knew by page two that I would struggle to get through Anacostia Miller’s The Last Leviathan, what appears to be the unfortunate first entry into a series I can only hope is short. Because holy cow, the writing is… rough. So rough. And sadly, nothing else about the book comes close to making up for it.

Princess Maeve Cross has been married off to Snidely Whiplash, the cartoonishly evil Nathaniel Pike, Lord of the Ivory Keys, by her cartoonishly evil father, King Varric. When Nathaniel attempts to sexually assault her in his carriage on their way to his ship after their wedding – because OF COURSE he would do that because he’s EVIL! – Maeve jumps out and hides in a crate of supplies headed for a different ship. She’s hoping it belongs to pirates because pirates would never come near pirate-hunting Nathaniel so she’ll be safe and free. She gives no thought to the fact that a ship full of pirates might pose an equal threat of rape or violence.

Once onboard, Maeve jumps out of her crate and is immediately marched through the Ollipheist (name of the ship) to meet the captain. When she first spots Captain ‘Levi-only-to-his-friends’ Leviathan, she goes into heat. He, of course, is immune to her. He tells his crew to throw her in the pit – the normal punishment for stowaways – but changes his mind for reasons we never learn. Instead, Captain Levi swings his dick around acting like a tough guy, accusing Maeve of being an assassin and even going so far as locking her to his bedroom wall with handcuffs and a bunch of saucy innuendos. Maeve huffs and puffs and is all offended, but when he suggests that she’ll have to work hard, she’s suddenly super excited at the prospect of becoming a pirate herself.

The next morning, she’s passed off to Gunny, who is charged with teaching her how to pirate effectively. Over the next indeterminate number of days, she learns from the crew and does chores and menial tasks and seems to be fitting in, even going so far as to fall overboard when she shows concern for a newbie cabin boy who passes out from dehydration (rough waves, too close to the edge… it happens). Naturally, Captain Levi is the one to jump into the ocean to save her, and by doing so, we learn that perhaps he is not the human we believe him to be. And when he notices scars on the tips of Maeve’s ears, we discover that she might not be the human we believe her to be.

But when Captain Leviathan learns the truth about who Mae (her new pirate name) really is – that she’s the daughter of his most hated enemy – he determines she deserves his hatred no matter how innocent she might be.

Whew.

I think this is supposed to be an enemies-to-lovers story because Captain Levi hates Mae for being part of a family that is evil, even though Mae herself never had a hand in any of their evil doings. Instead, it’s one of those times where he lusts after her but in order to throw in some conflict, he is required to tell himself he hates her for at least a good portion of the book.

Mae got incredibly lucky in her choice of crates to hide in, because the Ollipheist is more like a Carnival cruise liner. It has filtered water for drinking and plenty of desalinated water for thorough, albeit cold, bathing, so no stinky, dirty people to sully the fantasy. It contains an entire petting zoo of animals and a greenhouse brimming with fruits and vegetables. It’s manned by a massive crew (175!) of highly diverse, equally treated women and men. Cabin boys fetch dirty dishes that are left in the hallway, just like they do at the best – star hotels. Despite being a stowaway, Mae is given a comfy bed in the officer’s quarters and clean clothes to wear. Not a bad gig!

And maybe best of all, everyone on the ship treats Mae not so much as a stowaway, but as a treasured guest. As you would expect, she takes to pirating pretty easily.

For my part, Mae irritated the hell out of me. I think we are supposed to think she’s spunky and tough and kick-ass, but what she really is is an annoying inconsistent brat. For example, she’s literally just met the man who holds her fate in his hands, and we get this interaction:

“Not you,” Levi said, and I knew he was talking to me. “You’re not crew, and we’re not done.”
“But what if I’m hungry?” I asked. I wasn’t, but I would do anything to get away from him. I didn’t like how my belly fluttered whenever that baritone voice washed over me.
“Then too fucking bad.”
I stamped my foot down on the planks, huffing as I turned around to see Wraith watching me closely. “What are you looking at?”

Yeah, because she’s totally entitled to receive a full meal after stowing away aboard a pirate ship, so how dare the captain deny her? 

In addition to being highly annoying, Maeve is just straight up stupid. While she’s being marched through the pirate ship, she looks down at her new wedding ring with its giant, valuable gemstone, but instead of pocketing it for later use, she chucks it into the ocean because she Hates. Nathaniel. So. Much!

For his part, Captain Leviathan Levi Ronin Murdoch is not much better. His attempts at charm appear to be tasteless innuendos that are in no way subtle. He’s most definitely Tortured for genocidal reasons, but his blanket hatred of Mae is eye-rolling. Then again, so is his affection for her because she gives off no likable vibes. Their ‘attraction’ is based solely on his hotness and her potty mouth.

I stated that I had a real problem with the writing. I was going to post some examples, but there are just too many. Suffice it to say, it’s quite often cringy and reads as if Miller is actively trying to be ‘writerly’. Not to mention stuff that doesn’t even make sense when you take into account what the words actually mean. (Example: saying “my hope solidified and sank deep in my belly like a heavy stone in water” to express despair. Hope ‘solidifying’ is usually a good thing.) I don’t know if an editor ever saw this book. If so, then shame on them. If not, that explains so much.

In the end, the low-level fanfic writing and the inconsistent cardboard stock characters and plot clichés make it impossible for me to recommend The Last Leviathan. I’m sorry.