You know how they say you should never judge a book by its cover? Well, I did, and boy was that ever a mistake. The lovely artwork on the jacket of The Winged Tiara envelopes a slap-sticky 1920s heist plot starring two very shallow characters glamorously traversing the world in search of a particular item while accidentally falling in love.

November, 1918: Jasper Truitt has spent the last four years watching better men than he lose limbs, sanity, health, and life in the trenches of The Great War. When it finally ends, and the streets of Paris fill with post-war celebrations, he is all too happy to soak his memories in wine, women, and song. Esme Fox is delighted to be his partner in celebration. As a nurse, she saw the same suffering Jasper did and was equally eager to forget it all in a whirl of champagne, music, and kisses. Jasper is her every dream come true in those moments – handsome and whole, witty, charming, and as drunkenly in love as she is. Her dislike of anything smacking of permanence returns in the morning, which is why she quickly gathers her belongings and slips out of the room, not even leaving a note propped next to the wedding certificate so prominently displayed on the table.

French Riviera, 1922: Jasper is back in France once more, this time searching for the elusive Valkyrie Tiara for his grandfather. It’s a family heirloom of sorts through rather questionable ownership, and was lost/stolen (it’s complicated). Jasper, the by-blow of an esteemed peer, is known for his penchant for and skill at acquiring items that are not his own, so he has been sent to retrieve the Valkyrie. His sources assure him it will be displayed at a gala thrown by the Rothschilds to make money for a children’s hospital. Jasper’s charm, good looks, excellent manners, and stylish persona guarantee he will fit in perfectly at the event, despite his lack of an invitation. It’ll be an ideal opportunity to grab the piece and go home. As models wearing all manner of glittering jewels promenade down the opulent runway, Jasper waits patiently for the tiara to be displayed. When it finally arrives, it comes with a nasty shock. His very elusive, erstwhile bride is the person wearing it.

As a thief with a reputation for acquiring rare items, Esme has been charged by an aging opera diva to obtain the Valkyrie Tiara. The old lady plans to give one final performance while wearing the spectacular headpiece, and time is of the essence. Somehow, Esme manages to get herself a job showcasing the diadem, which will allow her sufficient access to acquire it. It sounds simple because it should be simple. However, a complication occurs when Esme’s long-lost husband appears and insists on talking to her. He wants a divorce (reasonable). She doesn’t care. It’s not like she wants to marry anyone else, so why tangle herself up in court appearances and paperwork when she can just pretend the whole thing never happened? After distracting him by giving him a closer look at the tiara, Esme gives him the slip and delivers the stolen goods to the buyer. The only problem is that the item is fake. Oh, and now Esme is under a death threat from a known assassin if she doesn’t find it. (No, it doesn’t make sense, but were you really expecting it to at this point?)

Jasper knew right away that he was looking at a cheap mockup of the Valkyrie Tiara and leaves the party ready to chase new leads. Esme, desperate to keep from dying, is doing the same. Naturally, Jasper and Esme cross paths repeatedly in their pursuit of the bauble and realize the spark that initially brought them together still burns bright.

If the historical romance you love is all about adventure, glitz, and ridiculous conversations mixed with rather shallow characterization, this novel is what you have been waiting for. It has all of the above in spades. What it doesn’t have is a sensible plot, an understandable hero and heroine, or pretty much anything of substance at all.

I’m not going to say much about the characters because they are given some of the most ridiculously complicated and convoluted backstories I have ever encountered. The author relies on this past experience to shape her hero and heroine, but the end result is that we have a lot of ludicrous history that doesn’t equate into personality. The writer also does something rather extraordinary with one of the two villains: she’s based him on the baddie from Despicable Me 2, complete with his chicken sidekick. The dude in the movie had way more depth.

I was especially disappointed with the romance. Jasper learns early on that Esme is under threat by a homicidal maniac if she doesn’t deliver the goods. Yet he is determined to get to the tiara first, while simultaneously waxing lyrical on how she is different from any other woman he has ever known, he thinks they should give their relationship another chance, etc., etc. It never occurs to him to let Esme take the jewels to her employer – thus conveniently saving her life – and then steal the item from them. It also never occurs to him that they might have a mutual problem. After all, if the killer is willing to off Esme if she can’t deliver, what is to stop them from doing the same to Jasper once he does have them?

A few things keep The Winged Tiara from getting an F. The author does a nice job of capturing the over-the-top opulence and zaniness of an early twentieth-century-based heist film, and you have to admire someone who has the chutzpah to use a children’s cartoon villain as the inspiration for an adult criminal. There isn’t much more for me to say except that I am sorry, but I can’t recommend this book.