Dearest, darling readers: I hope you all had a wonderful Valentine’s Day with your loved ones. My day began quite unexceptionally, at school with those sweet children in my class, and all I planned to do when I got home was start Gaelen Foley’s One Night of Sin. But guess what, cupcakes? Before long I was sighing and shaking my head. There was one thing, O Best Beloveds, that was driving me to near insanity – much as I am probably doing to you currently, my poor angels. And that was the proliferation of endearments.
I have a hard time dealing with them, especially the flowery ones, and especially when they’re used often. One Night of Sin has them in abundance and I find them nauseating. But are they nauseating because it’s actually overkill, or is it just because I’m not used to them?
I’m inclined to attribute my reaction to my own personality. My own upbringing was completely devoid of English endearments, which is probably why they sound so foreign to me. (English was actually my second language, but to all intents and purposes it is now my mother tongue.) My parents probably weren’t comfortable enough in English to use English endearments, and their personalities don’t really lend themselves to endearments anyway, except for certain Cantonese ones. One in particular that I heard a lot during my childhood translates literally as “daft pig.” But see, context told me that the term was affectionate, and that my parents weren’t actually calling me an ignorant swine. (I hope.)
Ultimately, I think endearments are personal choices, and if there’s one thing all languages have in common it’s some term of endearment. Those terms are often quite foolish (for isn’t love foolish sometimes?) – I’m thinking of French right now, which features mon chou (“my cauliflower”) and ma mie (“my bread crumb”) as particular gems of ridiculousness. And within cultures, their usage can be interpreted in many ways. Look at “baby”, or “babycakes.” Belittling, chauvinistic, and derogatory? Or simple expressions of affection? Context and intonation is key to using endearments; I’ve been called “dear” with love and also with complete condescension. (Pissed me off that time, too.)
So, yeah, it’s personal, and it’s also a part of cultural semiotics and language. Learning how to use an endearment is just as relative and important as learning how to use, say, “mate” in New Zealand or “y’all” in the South. I now use the word “mate” occasionally, in some circumstances, but that’s only because:
- I heard it a lot in New Zealand.
- I gained an understanding of how it worked.
- When I tried it out gingerly, no one punched me in the face.
“Mate”, I’m okay with now. Maybe if I spend a lot of time in a community that uses “darling” in proliferation, or if my partner was partial to endearments, then perhaps I’d get used to them. And maybe even build them into my daily vocabulary. But right now, hearing them, and hearing them often, still makes me uncomfortable.
What endearments are you used to, or do you use? What did you grow up with? What’s your take on them?
– Jean AAR
I grew up hearing my parents call each other “”honey”” and “”dear”” so often, it was years before I realized they were English words that were being used as endearments. I heard them as being other names they had for each other. It was an “”Aha!”” moment, in a good way, because I realized that the tone of voice was never sarcastic or matter-of-fact.
On the other hand, the steamiest they got around us (6) kids was hot and heavy kissing . . . well, that is how it seemed to us. When we were little, we would all gather round and hold on to a skirt or pants legs. It seemed like those kisses went on forever!
I normally dislike too many endearments, either in my life or my books. Especially when said by men and especially in a false voice. However, I have been reading – or rather listening to – Anne Stuart’s Rohan series and recently finished Breathless. In it the author uses an incredible number of endearments, but most are used sarcastically, so they are not so cloyingly annoying. And the narrator, Susan Erickson does a good job with the “”hero’s”” voice, so even when he is not being sarcastic, his common endearment of “”my child”” sounds plausible and realistic for the character.
Upon thinking about it, I wonder if excessive endearments are easier on the reader, if heard rather than read. However, JFTEE-Auburn mentioned the use of Sassenach as an endearment in the Outlander series and felt it was used well. I listened to the Outlander series and like many critics consider Davina Porter’s narration of the series to be the most perfect marriage of audiobook and narrator ever. But I got really tired of her saying Sassenach. She did an excellent job capturing the voice of Jamie Frasier both as a young and a middle-aged man. However, she always sounded “”off”” whenever she said this word. It just didn’t ring true and it was jarring enough it pulled me out of my delighted concentration. Maybe if I read the word it would have been easier to take.
I use many and varied endearments but will never call someone I care about “”pet””. A newly married couple used this term for each other and it was cringeworthy every time.
I use ‘honey’ or ‘sweetie’ most often, and only for my husband & kids. My youngest sister is ‘sweetie darling’ from our days watching Ab Fab, and I further humiliate my children by calling them ‘pomme’ or ‘sweet tato’, muhahahaha. (The first means ‘apple’ in French — can no longer remember where I picked it up.)
When our kids where growing up my husband and I would call each other Mommy and Daddy. when the kids became teenagers they asked us to please not call each other Mommy and Daddy when their friends came over. We said ok sure. But of course when the friends came over we would say “”Oh Daddy Daddy I love you so and he would say oh Mommy Mommy I love you too”” I know, we were terrible parents.
I don’t mind endearments in person or in writing unless they’re overused. I get tired of every author assuming Texan men say “”darlin'”” all the time, or southern women call everyone “”sugar.””
We use endearments in my home. I call the kids and my husband “”sweetie,”” or “”honey”” frequently. When the kids were younger they were often pumpkin or goose or sweet pea. Occasionally an endearment such as sweetie slips out when I’m conversing with students (high school) but the kids seems to think it’s funny and laugh when I do it.
I do *not* like terms such as “”little one”” or “”baby girl.””
My mother always called me pumpkin and I do use some rather silly endearments with my own kids. Other than that, I tend not to use them much and don’t really notice it in books as long as it fits with the characters.
Re the use of “”Sassenach”” as an endearment…as a Scot, that’s a strong insult! Mind you, I loathed Outlander with the burning of a hundred suns. All that faux Scots dialogue and Braveheartesque history really grated on me and I simply couldn’t read beyond the first book.
This all puts me in mind of the Seinfeld episode in which Jerry had a girlfriend who liked the particular endearment “”Shmoopie””. Jerry and his girlfriend have bits where they went back and forth with “”No, you’re Shmoopie!”” while the other characters rolled they eyes and gagged.
My husband and still make fun with that one once in a while. It was a great way to make fun of over-endearments.
The endearment of choice in my husband’s family is “”darling”” and I have adopted that (English not being my mother tongue). Other endearments abound, though, both in his family and mine, so I rarely blink at them in books. Travelling around the British Isles when I was in my twenties was the first time I experienced non-family using them. Strangers – from train conductors to shopkeepers – would often throw in a “”luv”” or “”dear””, or sometimes a “”sunshine””, and I grew to like that as it always came with a smile and a cheerful, helpful attitude.
By the way, “”ma mie”” is a mediaeval form of “”mon amie””, meaning not “”my bread crumb”” but “”my (beloved) friend””.
Ha, I never knew that! Thanks Danielle. I always thought it was just a particularity.
My hubby and I have zillions of endearments we use for each other… but then, we’ve been together 19 years and many of them are inside jokes. It is like we have our own language.
I also remember when we first got married, he’d call me the wife and I would call him the husband ’cause we got such a thrill out of being married.
In books, I love it when the endearment means something personal to the couple. Like when a lover calls a woman who thinks of herself as plain “”Beautiful”” because in HIS eyes, she IS beautiful.
The “”sweetie”” and “”honey”” from someone you don’t know is just like water off of a duck’s back. It doesn’t really mean anything special; irksome as it might be. Endearments for small children are sweet and given out of love and probably a memorable, shared event. I use the term “”kjareste”” (dearest) for my Norwegian husband. I never thought about why, but thinking about it now, I think it is because it isn’t a normal (English) endearment that I am familiar with, as honey, sweetheart, etc., so I don’t have any baggage attached to it. It is foreign and thus more romantic in my head and not commonplace. I think there is a point of ownership to the term; something that only I could say to him.
Again, thanks for the question. A simple query, on the face of it, but upon reflection maybe not quite so simple.
One of the most touching endearments is Jamie Frazer’s use of Sassenach to Claire in the Outlander series. Now there is an endearment for, and from, the heart.